I can hear those words emanating from my mum as the often talked about subject of ‘what I’d like to do when I’m older’ would come up. From the age of around 5, the answer was always easy and rather obvious, “a fighter pilot” I would excitedly announce in my Jesus sandals and vest top, to which I’d always get back “ooh you have to be clever to be one of those, best do well and listen in school”. What’s the 5-year old’s version of “FFS mum”? Probably just a roll eyes and partial deflation at the apparent negativity. OK mum it’s fine, I know you were only being honest. You all probably got the same – policeman meant “oh you have to be tall” and fireman meant “oh you have to be fit”. Not “go for it son”, just some harsh truths that I can only be thankful for now – no point in sugar coating things (more on this later). My little girl now might say dancer or YouTube star, to which I always reply, “you go for it my love”. Anyway, enough soppy crap, I never made fighter pilot, nor tried for copper or fireman, so hey ho, your skies and streets are safe.

Short sightedness would soon put an end to that unicorn dream of flying a Tornado (yep, I’m from the UK) having to wear glasses thicker than a submarine door from the age of 7, I looked like Deirdre Barlow (for anyone outside of the UK, you should Google that). I was already on the path to becoming a geek. This would prove to be the case, as what felt like a matter of months later (OK I was probably about 9 years old) whilst all my friends were buying roller blades and copying each other’s VHS copy of Michael Jacksons Thriller (Moonwalker was ace, too) I’d told my parents that I’d love to get a computer. Little did I know this would be the beginning of my (and I hate the way this word is used) ‘career’ and obsession with all things data & tech. OK I can’t believe I actually used the words “obsession with data” but as you’ll see in this book, it probably was to be fair the sole reason I ended up doing what I do and making a good crack of it, I think? Why couldn’t I have asked for a console like the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) instead, which I’d later get? It’s not normal is it.

Several years later (OK it was a few weeks. When you’re 9 years old a week feels like a year – not like now where you go back to put the milk in your tea and it’s developed its own ecosystem) there I was, sat down with a Commodore 64 (go on, guess my age) and the variety of peripherals (that’s external bits of a computer to the non-warped) all over the place, wondering what the hell I do with it. Thank [insert divine being here*] that I had my dad with me, who had just as much of a clue as me about what all this crap was for. Don’t get me wrong, I was as excited as a kid at Christmas (I was said kid, at Christmas, obviously) at the concept of what I could do with this thing, even though it just sat there doing bugger all – yes here’s a shocker for you, a computer will only ever do what it’s been told! Here’s where it gets really geeky, and the person reading this rolls their eyes and thinks “this guy is a loser”, but let me tell you – spending 14 days typing out code (QBasic) that you neither understand or remember, from a book the size of my dad’s Volvo, only to run it and see your name repeatedly shown across the screen, felt like one of the best moments of my life at that time, talk about elation. Lottery win (it was The Pools then)? Pah. What an achievement to see the fruits of your labour develop into something totally pointless. For those of you that have done any programming, you’ll already know that I had to check and alter this code 7 million times with as many errors, correct it and rerun it before I got it to work. For those that haven’t done any programming yet, ha, good luck – look after your hairline, and buy shares in a brewery. It’s no wonder my dad passed away at the very young age of 47 (more on this later) having to put up with a persistent little shit like me wanting to write nonsense on a screen. I’d stolen his little portable TV too so that I could crack on with this buffoonery, how I’m still here is a mystery. Why couldn’t I build a model plane and fly it in the park, play football or build a den like most normal kids? I don’t even think I fired up the games that much, you could get married and raise a family in the time it took for one of the damn things to load from the cassette (yes, a cassette)! OK I did build lots of dens and do other stuff, but I can’t deny my new found lunacy.

This was it. This was the birth of what started as my number one hobby and interest that later turned into a full-blown career (I know). I spent the next 30 years (and still do) playing out my interest in front of a screen, giving me something that has taken me all over the world, working in a plethora of different roles in an amazing variety of sectors like healthcare, banking, pharmaceutical, FMCG, telecoms, law enforcement, to name a few (it’s bad to move around too quick though, isn’t it? More on this later). And I’m still doing it, so why the hell am I writing this book as an anonymous author, where yet again I’m sat in front of a screen? Well, the answer is simple. The things I am going to tell you about in this book are the things that you cannot learn on a course, or in a university, or by Googling till your eyes leave your skull. No amount of career advice in the world or sitting with your uncle Barry who used to programme punch cards, can prepare you for a long and difficult career in an office, surrounded by other geeks and people you want to slap. I’ll tell you all about the different types of people you’ll meet and how to handle them, we’ll look at the variety of scenarios along the way (such as the conference call, the team meeting and away days etc) as well as some of the roles you might typically find or want to avoid. I suppose I should also live up to the title of the book and hopefully help you along the way by looking at etiquette, job applications, interviews, promotion (and how to get one) as well as other boring stuff like pensions and HR (yep, you can end up in front of them rather easily if you’re not careful, you’ve been warned)! Plenty of stuff to talk about that will give you a heads up if you’re gonna spend the next several decades in an office, with some IT type stuff thrown in for good measure. It doesn’t matter what role you’re in, like tech support, networking, data analysis or even general office work in another industry, this book can be for you. It’s funny when I think about my use of “fruits of your labour develop into something totally pointless” above, as the cynic in me might say that’s what the rest of your career is all about! That would be unfair though (and cynical, me?) and yes there are many many days (and jobs) like that, but on the whole you will achieve some really wonderful stuff with some amazing people. I suppose I might even enjoy achieving this book.

Coming back to proofread this chapter, and I realise I’ve fallen into my own trap of thinking that I “work in computers”. Like any other career (damn it, typed it out by default) or industry/company there are a huge variety of jobs. For example, saying you work in Tesco doesn’t mean you are the electrician that looks after the refrigeration, or the lorry driver being responsible for the stocking of tartare sauce on aisle 3 (this works both ways in the “not my job culture”, more on this later too). I myself am a data professional, that just so happens to have started out with an interest in computing. I can just hear my mum shouting now “oh my son works in computers, he can fix your printer for you”. There goes that “FFS” again. See what I mean? I’ve never trained, managed, or so much as looked at a printer outside of the crappy inkjet on the desk next to me, but here I am with people thinking I’m some kind of desktop engineer that can rescue a printer? I suppose I can’t moan too much, my HND was in “Computing”, but no printer classes! Internet gone down? Smart thermostat not firing up your boiler? Can’t load a game on your Commodore 64? I’m your man. Funny when you think about it. Good to set the scene anyway. I blame the love of tech.

If you’d like to contact me along the way, my email address is down below. Again, why anonymous? I’m still working full time in my job (much better word than career, isn’t it) and we live in an age where anything that breathes can be offended by anything else that breathes. Why risk that? Gone are the days of smoking at work, having a pint at lunch, and swearing down the phone (alright that one’s still there). Having said that, I’m not setting out to offend anybody at all, which means there will be some that are offended of course. I’m giving you an honest account of my 25 years in industry, and all the pitfalls and fun along the way. I’m not setting out to tell lies.  Like I say, they don’t teach you this stuff in uni.

If we can have a laugh along the way, then job done. Otherwise, what’s the point?

*For those who are already geeks that are reading this, you’ll see exactly what I did there with the use of the [ ]. If you’re not a geek, sod off, I ain’t explaining it, and you will be soon!